I just reviewed my astrology chart and found out a lot about myself. Actually, most of it just cemented what I’ve known since I was young. I have always felt that I’ve been trying to be two people at once. When I’m in my element and I’m surrounded by people that I’m comfortable with I’m: aggressive, lively, playful, sometimes arrogant, bold, unapologetic, ostentatious, and blazingly honest. The other half of me, when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know: is reserved, shy, (I swear I’m not a snob, although I come off as one), barely speaks up, timid, passive, observant, practical and pragmatic. These two sides of me have always come into conflict and I have always felt unease because of this. Now that I’m in my mid-twenties I feel like those two sides of me have found some middle ground and I feel like I’ve begun to balance myself out rather well.
To find that middle ground I have had to battle my internal demons preventing me from doing what I really wanted to do because staying stagnant was safe. The idea of moving away first conceptualized when I was in high school. I wanted to attend UCSD for college. Alas, I did not get into UCSD and attended UC Berkeley … only 30-40 minutes away from Vallejo. I can’t help but reflect back at all that has transpired and laugh at all the silly moments I found myself go through.
Life is really that easy, if you let it be and allow yourself to be in control. I see too many people look at all the obstacles surrounding their goals and bring those obstacles closer to them… silly and counterintuitive I say. Why bring more obstacles to the forefront when some of them weren’t even obstacles in the first place? And for those real big obstacles, or problems, those issues cannot be immediately healed or fixed, no matter how hard you try. So the best thing to do is take your energy and focus away from it so you can focus on the positive aspects of your life. It’s so funny to me that people highlight silly obstacles and make them bigger and much more real than they really are. I can laugh at this because I’ve been through it.
Before I moved to LA two years ago, I found myself stagnant, stuck in the familiar, the comfortable, surrounded by people who I loved but who, in a way, held me back from achieving the next step in my life. I had been debating with friends and family about leaving the Bay, with thoughts of moving to Japan, the Philippines, the East Coast, and subsequently Southern California. Some of my friend’s argued with me that I could achieve growth by staying in the Bay Area…. I know they just didn’t want me to move. However, I knew in my heart that my time with the Bay Area had expired and I was growing more frustrated with every second that I stayed.
I had lived all my life in the Bay Area. Grew up with the same people, went to the same college even, and I was ready for change. I, being the person that I am, overanalyzed a lot of things and consequently saw each of my obstacles and highlighted it. I let everyone’s concerns about my pending move affect me. This action hindered my move away from the Bay until I saw a window of opportunity to move to LA. (oooh, it rhymes, I’m a po-et and I didn’t even know it) With my soul yearning for something different but the dilemmas in my life beckoning me to stay in the Bay, I still managed to make a decision and I moved. It was the best thing I have EVER done for myself and if I could do it again I would do it in a heartbeat.
I’m back in the Bay Area now, but I’m not the same person I was back then. I’ve grown a lot, matured a lot, and I’m comfortable and extremely happy with my position in life. I know where I’m headed and I’ve been rejuvenated with a sense of purpose, ambition, and drive.
3 years ago
